Marriage is a lifetime journey. It’s such a complex yet unique entity on its own. One might see it as just living with a new being but even that can be tiring after sometime. What to do when it happens?
Marriage, according to our parents, seems like an easy path. But is it? The rate of divorce these days is alarming, with no one to put a stop to it. So were our parents given manuals to these things or they just had?
No, there is no manual to a successful marriage. They were just bound by some important points and entities.
Some say children can make a marriage hold longer, but the ones that broke off, were they fruitless? No! So what is the problem? These are questions often asked by the ones in it and the ones about to take the stand.
Are you in your early twenties, late twenties or even early thirties and you are considering marriage as your next step. Are you constantly scared of the hurdles in marriages because of the rate of domestic violence and divorces these days?
Nothing will change the fact that marriage comes with its own challenges and you as a person can make a change, it’s your menu, be free to try other recipes to soothe your taste.
Before we go into the things we need to know before saying ‘I do’, here are responses made by those who have been there but wished they had followed some of the points we are about to give.
Mrs Ada (real name withheld), 35, who has been married to her husband for 11 years gave reasons why one needs to discuss some certain things before saying ‘I do’. She spoke about a few challenges she had in her first years of her marriage.
According to her, their parents had rushed them into marriage because they both had completed their education and they felt marriage was next, especially for her. Before their marriage, her husband used condoms with her, and it continued after marriage. When she confronted him, he revealed he is not ready for children till his finances are well balanced.
He went ahead to say that when she starts having kids, she would have to stop working till they are well grown. According to Ada, she was furious but she had nothing to do. Her children came four years after marriage, now aged 6, 5, and 3 years old respectively.
Mr Wole talked about parents’ acceptance and indifference. At first, he told his wife when she was still his fiancee that he would be able to cope with her mom’s troubles. He said his wife was supposed to be married to a handpicked suitor by her mom but when that failed, he became the bad guy.
According to him, his mother-in-law had moved in with them immediately after marriage, he was against it. But there was little he could do. This created tension in the home and it went longer than he imagined, even after the birth of their first child. It took the intervention of third parties before she left. He wished he had discussed it better with his wife before they got married.
Bunmi, a divorcee, spoke about her experience as a married woman. In her words, “Love is not everything marriage wants. Shine your eyes! What we call love in some cases is actually sweetened lust in disguise.”
Bunmi said her problems started when she couldn’t conceive after the third year into her marriage. She said she was expecting the usual mother-in-law drama but instead she got her drama from her husband. The attitude gradually spiralled down to emotional and psychological abuse.
According to her, she endured it, after all it’s her fault, “Ebi mi ni, emi mo fa,” she said. (Which means: She is at fault).
After the fifth year, it became even worse when his sister forcefully moved in with them under the pretence of “looking for employment”. She said that was when she found out her husband had fathered a child months after their honeymoon.
Her ex-husband moved the mother of his child to their three bedroom apartment and she was forced to leave the house and family.
Bunmi claimed she was fully aware of her husband’s womanizing attribute but hoped to ‘change’ him when they become a couple. She said, “There is nothing like ‘I can change him'”. According to Miss Bunmi, marrying just your friend is not enough, make him your best friend, someone who understands.
Like I said, there’s no manual to a successful marriage.
Often, when dating, we overlook some essential areas; we shun away from it either for fear of losing them or to maintain peace. But then, you have to, for your future.
Now, after the back and forth responses, let’s delve into those points you should, at least, discuss with your partner before you say I do.
- Compatibility
Do you get along with your partner or you are just enduring?
Endurance comes when there is a crack in your compatibility. How do you resolve your differences? You need to be able to stand one another’s personality, the way they relate to you, your friends and family. Is it what you want? Or are you blinded by your attraction because that fades with time. Can you still stand them then? These are questions you should ask yourself. - Family
This is also very important. Your family is your present, past and will be there in your future as well. You can’t do without them because you are married. However, there should be boundaries. Make sure both parties are fine, because you will have your family and it requires a balance. There’s nothing like ‘I will patch things up with time’. Is your girlfriend’s mother okay with you? Is your boyfriend’s siblings in sync with you? You have to think of these to avoid future mishaps. - Children
I know you are wondering why this is included. Afterall, children, they say, are the fruits of all marriages. You will be surprised to know some love babies for other people but for themselves, some decisions are made for fear of losing themselves. You need to discuss children with your partner before the wedding. Do they want kids? One might desperately want kids and the other one wants to take things slow or doesn’t want to at all. - Your Priorities
Your priorities as a couple should include yourselves. Conflicting priorities in marriages is another pill for downfall. It destroys marriage. Your priority should be your spouse and vice versa. - Goals
Do you have the same goals towards what a marriage should look like? Are your goals in sync? Are you in for the same reason? Or the other one is in for the thrills of _aso-ebi_ and the gifts involved. You should also be ready for the challenges. Is your partner career-oriented or does she want to be a stay at home mom? - Finances
Talking about finances before marriage is as important as having children. Do you have the money after the wedding? Is there a source for future funds? Who will be responsible for the finances? A joint account or separate? The way you approach your finances matter, in order to make the road much easier. - Spirituality
In respect of your belief, there must be an agreement between both of you if you want to maintain a peaceful home. It’s never easy, even the ones with the same religion have rising issues, not to talk about the ones with different beliefs. You need to come to an agreement before you say ‘I do’. Are you going to enforce these on your children or they are left to make their choices. These things get more complicated when children are involved. - Get rid of your immaturities
There is a point to one’s life where you have to drop your ‘baby girl for life’ mentality and that ‘momma’s boy’ attitude. Drop it! It’s time for some seriousness, dish the selfishness. Do you intend to run out of your marriage every time you have a misunderstanding in your home? - Understanding
Many people claim they understand but do they really? Do they understand the importance of understanding? You claim to know the full recipe to a marriage without knowing you have to understand their pasts, their behaviour, and what they go through. Understanding works when love fades off. - Their Past
There is no present without a past. Everyone has something they have done in the past that they are not proud of. Are you sure you can cope with it? Can you understand as long as it remains in the past? People come into relationships with their own baggage: it could be insecurity or a child. It could be anything. You need to be sure before you say the final ‘I do’.
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Thanks love