If you’re still alive after the coronavirus outbreak, then you should be accustomed to the virus called domestic violence.
Just like the coronavirus (COVID-19), this virus has been in existence for a long time but seems to be competing with COVID-19 as the rise increases day by day.
What is Domestic violence?
Domestic violence is any kind of abuse in a domestic environment or setting, i.e. casual relationships, marriages or cohabitation. A violent behaviour between intimate partners often resulting in injuries, fear, total control and even death is a domestic abuse.
Just like any violence, a domestic violence is destructive.
There are high cases of domestic violence leading to death in recent cases. Especially in marriages where one is forced to endure any kind of hardship thrown at him/her.
Domestic violence can happen between both genders as it is not limited to one gender. Men get abused too but at least, 99.6% of domestic violence cases are often linked to the female gender especially in the western world.
A domestic violence can be emotional, social, physical, verbal or sexual abuse.
In Nigeria today, we see at least one report of domestic violence daily. Why is there a rise in the cases of domestic violence virus? Is it just happening? Are there any iota of truth in these cases? These are questions often raised when these reports get to the public.
People often wonder why these victims keep quiet till they get permanently damaged or end up 6fts deep. Blame the society and not them!
The society is so backward that it has refused to spread its wings and see things beyond what culture says. We believe in instilling fear to earn respect and it often starts from parenting and backgrounds.
A parent who believes in spanking the hell out of a child to administer discipline is doing more harm than good. It is okay to scold your child but not in the use of a whip every day. The whip gets the job done but damages them psychologically. Some end up believing that’s the only way to instil fear or command respect.
It grows into hitting, spanking and threats and later breaks into constant beating when they do not achieve what they want. Some even verbally abuse you.
Some African men believe women are secondary when they bear their name and should be treated as such. All acts of submission is required. The culture believes a woman should kneel when serving her husband, when that’s okay and it shows respect, it’s still wrong when it becomes an obligation, a compulsory duty.
It’s much harder when you are dealing with a misogynist from Africa, just forget it because nothing pleases them. You can be Virgin Mary or the Osun, herself, an African misogynist will abuse you.
However, the introduction of feminism to African women has opened up cans of worms these women go through. I hear people say why are there domestic violence now and not in the days of our mothers? The answer is choice.
Our mothers and grandmothers had no choice whatsoever when it comes to knowledge. Most of them were ignorant, they saw these constant abuse as a normal thing. Or they know it’s wrong but what can they do?
They believe it’s okay to hit your woman, it’s okay to starve her of her rights and sex, it’s okay to marry many women because she has no say, it’s okay to accept anything a man brings to the table because it’s the man. It:s okay for a man to rape his wife because she is his.
A popular Nollywood actor, Pete Edochie, who is known to be a lover of culture and a anti-feminist was recently in an interview where he talked about how feminism is causing more domestic violence.
In his words, he said, “It becomes unbearable so you stretch your hand and deal her a slap.” The same man also rebuked the idea of kneeling down to propose to a woman but supports the idea of a woman kneeling to serve her husband meals because it’s the ‘culture’.
In contrary, I believe feminism did not give rise to domestic violence. Instead, it opened people’s eyes to the insufferable act and gives room for improvement and also how to deal with it.
What are the types of domestic violence? How do you recognise it?
There are about nine types of domestic violence but I’ll discuss five of them.
5 common types of domestic abuse/violence
Verbal abuse
This is a kind of violence that involves the use of speech to attack one’s self esteem, pride, image and mental health. When you constantly say words to hurt someone, hurl insults whenever you pleases, you are abusing them. Surprisingly, men are victims of these as well. When you nag and complain to your man, that’s an abuse.
Psychological abuse
This an act of using certain words and actions to manipulate, weaken or frighten a person mentally and emotionally. This can affect their self-esteem and how they see themselves. You are basically all they think of; what you say stands and not what they think.
Sexual abuse
Do you know you can still be raped in a relationship? Yes, you can. Rape is achieving sex without consent. A man rapes you when he forcefully gains access to you either in a relationship or in marriage. Men will disagree but that’s the truth. Any form of sexual harassment is an abuse.
Emotional abuse
Are you constantly unhappy, feel threatened in your relationship? Do you think your relationship is toxic? Do they threaten to kill themselves if you leave them? That’s an emotional abuse. You are stuck! An emotional abuse can feel as damaging as a physical abuse. It is often linked to sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, and even financial abuse.
Physical abuse
This is the boss of all abuses. It begins with a hit, a slap, a push till it progresses to death. He slaps you, then apologises or doesn’t. Then he comes with a damage control gift to appeal to you, promising not to do that again. Then it leads to series of beating, till you end up in the hospital and in worse cases, 6fts deep.
Do not be surprised when abusers blame their victims. You hear things like, “He made me do it”, “She made me hit her”, “it’s normal”. It’s what abusers do. They try to control even after the damage is done.
Now, what are ways to deal with this?
Ways to deal with domestic violence
Talk to them
This only applies to psychological and emotional abuse. Don’t try to talk to a physical abuser, especially someone with anger issues. In some cases, these abusers (emotional and psychological) don’t know they are hurting you. Some are just narcissists, they don’t know. So try to talk to them.
A visit to the therapist
All abuses have a way of messing with your mental health. Stress is the key to a breakdown. See a doctor when you feel you are in an abused relationship. If possible, make your partner go with you.
Talk to someone they respect
This applies more to a physical abuser but it fits other abuses as well. It could be their parents, friends or religious leaders. Talk it through before it escalates into something irreversible like death or loss of something precious.
Leave
Marriage is not a do or die affair. It’s better to leave than get blamed for staying when you are gone. Do not wait till you are 6fts deep before you take actions. In the society we are today, some abusers go scot-free so leave!
What are the effects of domestic violence.
The most important effect are the children the duo drag into their mess. They suffer the most of it, some end up as damaged baggages full of resentment towards the other gender or they equally grow up doing the same thing.
Broken homes are another thing entirely. This occurs mostly with the physical abuse.
Death, which is the last straw to domestic violence is the best and worst of it all. It’s the best because after death, the beating stops but it hurts because of the regret that sets in thereafter.
Domestic violence is a disease we must find cure for as soon as possible before it eats us all.
